kat“I found myself in the pages of God’s history…”
So, I’m a bible thumper now. Actually no (nvm lol) after googling that word I see it has a negative connotation.
Correction-I guess you could say I am a zealous advocate of God now. To those that know me that might be a shock because I never really was. I never imagined myself believing in Christ. I thought the bible was some big myth, some archaic thing irrelevant to my life, but somehow it has become one of the most important things of my existence.
So how did I come to believe in Christ?
Growing up my family wasn’t Christian. We went to a catholic or Christian churches once in a while, but it was never an important or defining part of my existence. My grandma was a fervent Christian who tried to get me to read the bible and took us to church sometimes but I really didn’t understand it. I remember praying when I or my family went through hardships but as I grew up whatever ounce of faith I had in a God was lost. The internet taught me fundamental life lessons my parents couldn’t or failed to and I stopped believing God existed, if I ever truly did.
When I began high school, however, I went on a conquest in search of the truth. The depression and anxiety became unbearable; if there was a God I needed to find it because my life was so hopeless. I googled about different religions and my friends were all somewhat Christian and belonged to different denominations: catholic, Luz del Mundo, Jehovah Witness, etc. you name it, so I would ask them questions about God and their religions. I visited their churches but I never stuck around enough to go more than once or twice. Junior year, I settled for believing in ‘the universe’ or ‘the law of attraction.’ I was really into Jay Shetty and people like Louise Hay, and their stuff helped me for a while, but it wasn’t enough. I kept searching for deeper answers; I didn’t only want to learn how to improve my life, how to heal from my traumas, or open my chakras or whatever. I wanted to find the deepest truths of the universe.
I’m not sure how but senior year I became involved in a group called ‘Youth for Christ’. We would meet every week before the bell rang for about 10 minutes or so to talk about God. Someone would read a scripture and interpret it for us, or share their own realizations about God and we would then have time to share or ask questions. It was really great and I would come every morning as often as I could. Those few minutes gave me hope and strength to get through the day.
I remember one time I asked them, “How do you know God is real if you can’t see him or feel him? How can you believe in him?” because I was doubting. I even asked what Jesus dying on a cross meant. I didn’t understand the meaning of him dying on a cross for my sins but I genuinely wanted to know. What about him physically dying on a cross somehow covered my sins? I didn’t even know what “sins” he needed to cover. I wanted to believe in God because it seemed many other people in the room were experiencing something with God that I wasn’t, or that I thought I couldn’t.
My teacher said something along the lines of, “God is a being who you can’t see, feel, or touch but we’re to believe in” and that answer comforted me because I realized I wasn’t the only one who understood this reality. The difference between my teacher and I was, she believed and I didn’t. I wondered, “How?” It seemed like a truth she had realized and accepted. I thought, “Maybe believing in an invisible God is possible and maybe I can too.”
I continued to search for deeper answers about who God was. Summer after senior year, we all graduated and went our separate ways. It was a very difficult time but I was determined not to drown. I realized no one would come to my rescue; I was on my own. Things in my life hadn’t gone according to plan and I manifested a lot of hardships in my life. I was left holding the shattered pieces of my heart, and I was the only one who could pick them up and put them back together.
Youth for Christ was gone and so I started watching online sermons from Steven Furtick and Michael Todd, Sarah Jakes Roberts, Jackie Hill Perry and they started popping up more and more on my feed-maybe it was God working upon me or the Youtube algorithm or both (haha).. I kept listening to Jay Sheatty and Louise Hay too. I was searching for God and learning about him from different people and perspectives. I wondered if God was the Universe, an energy, a formless void, or if I could find him in Jesus.
Freshman year of college began and I immediately met someone who would change my life’s course completely. A girl who was my mentor (an upperclassman) for this club at my college started messaging me, and since I had no friends and was willing to accept help from anyone as a freshman I started messaging her frequently over the summer. Once school started we started hanging out like every day and she showed an amount of interest in my life and sisterly love that I wasn’t used to. As my mentor, she was only supposed to help me adjust to college but went above and beyond to help me with other things and kindly took care of me by buying me boba. Within two months we started working out and studying together.
Meanwhile I kept searching for different Christian groups to join so I could learn about the bible. I became very interested in figuring out if Christianity was legit. It was interesting because I liked the scriptures and words I heard from Youth for Christ. I joined two groups: a Christian group and a gospel choir. I told my mentor about this and she revealed she was a person of faith and casually asked me if I wanted to do bible study and I said yes! What did I have to lose? I didn’t know it then, but everything!
I lost all of myself and was born again. (Luke 17:33 Whoever tries to keep their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life will preserve it.) Later my friend shared with me that she actually wasn’t going to apply to the mentorship job. The deadline passed but she prayed to God asking if there was a person he wanted her to bring to her church that she’d do it. The deadline was extended and she applied! We also had so many things in common which I think was no coincidence. God called me. He prepared the people and situations so I would hear that calling. That is love.
The rest was history from there. I was struggling to juggle all three groups for a month and I knew I had to choose one to stick to. I ended up sticking with my mentor’s club because the words I heard there were deeper than anything I’d ever heard before. God was surely working. I was receiving deep answers to all my questions. I didn’t know much about God but those who taught me His word did so being aware of that: with love, patience, and care.
I was doing bible study once, even twice a week and my mind was blown each time. What I learned through the bible studies I would come to experience in my life. Sometimes the topic from the bible study would come up in my classes and I’d be sitting there shocked like “God is this for real?” I was utterly convinced that I was learning God’s truth because he was showing me the reality of his words everyday through my life experiences. Once you experience something you can’t disbelieve; once you see it with your own eyes it’s hard to feign blindness or ignorance.
The more I learned about God’s history and his heart, the more I started to see him working in my life. It was a really crazy journey. I couldn’t believe the miracles that were happening. Not only did I receive spiritual blessings, like starting to feel God in my life and hearing God speak to me, but I started receiving many financial blessings. The more I prioritized God by doing bible study, reading the bible, and praying-even when I had homework or other responsibilities-the more God helped make all those things easy. Sometimes I wouldn’t do a homework assignment but miraculously I’d get an extension! Other times the answers would come to me thanks to the Holy Spirit’s inspiration.
It was by no means an easy journey though. There were moments I sat on the floor crying on my knees asking God if he was real. There was a lot of doubt whether the miracles I was experiencing were coincidental and if what I was learning from His word was true. It defied so much of what I believed before but that didn’t make it any less true.
Also, life wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes my family fell ill and I prayed on my knees pleading for their healing and their lives, but he always took care of us. I didn’t know God loved me or cared for me so much.
Before coming to God, no one had ever loved me as much as Jesus. When things went wrong I excessively worried and cried. Sometimes I struggled with school or my mental health and it was hell.
But I will say, once I came to Him he gave me the strength to overcome those hardships and showed me that he’d always be with me and help me through it. Life really did get easier, not because the challenges lessened, but because I stopped feeling like life’s punching bag and realized the joy of living with the Trinity.
Praying in His name changed everything. Things in my life got resolved better and quickly. I truly started healing and felt myself becoming superhuman in the sense that I could do things more seamlessly than I ever did before. 6 classes, two part-time jobs, spending time with friends and family, and maintaining my health became doable. Trust that whatever season you are in or whatever hardships you go through, Christ will be with you and bless you far more than you believe.
My advice to anyone reading this is…give Christ a chance. If you feel like you’ve reached rock bottom; if you’re crying an unreasonable and unhealthy amount every night alone in your bed; if there is something in your heart you feel nobody can help you heal from, come to the Lord. If you’re physically or mentally ill-come to him he WILL heal you if you follow him. He loves you and cares for you in a way you don’t even know. You’d never stop crying tears of joy if you realized.
I know because I didn’t even think he was real but then I experienced his love and everything in my life changed for the better. There is nothing like his love, nothing more beautiful or true. It’s better than setting for less than you deserve, better than escaping your feelings by binging 5 seasons of that show on Netflix (been there, done that), better than anything you can think of-than any physical or temporary joys in this world.
He is calling you. Sometimes it takes a little while to hear his voice but if you seek God you will find God and you will know the truth. Matthew 7:7 say “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” John 8:32 “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
If you’re not sure if God is real, if you have any resentment, or questions then I encourage you to ask and seek- you might be surprised by His answer. It might be different than any preconceived notions you have. If you know Him but you want to know Him better I encourage you to search. There’s more to Him than you think, for he is limitless and his love boundless.
You can pray this prayer right now, “God I want to know you, please lead me in your direction, please show me you are real and that you hear me. In the Lord’s name I pray, amen.”
Please feel free to comment or reach out to me.
With love,
Kat
