katToday I wanted to share this amazing book titled ‘Platonic’ by Marisa Franco that will teach you how to make and keep friends. First though, I want to share this scenario with you.
Imagine this. Everything’s rainbows and sunshine. Perhaps you’re having the time of your life sitting in the car enjoying Mc D’s with a friend having discussions about different things going on in your lives. Your friend starts telling you about a situation that she’s been dealing with and trying to overcome for some time. You do what you always do and offer words of understanding but also a different perspective when suddenly your friend turns to you, her tone turns sour, her smile slowly turns to a slight frown, and says, “Why do you always have to downplay my feelings or offer the benefit of the doubt. Why can’t you just take my word for it?”
You wonder what you said wrong. You don’t know what to say next. You thought you were being helpful.
“I’m just offering a different perspective,” you retort.
“Well I’m not looking for a solution, I’m just looking for someone who can listen to me.”
it becomes a conversation in which you both start sharing really difficult feelings and it feels like a rift between the two of you is beginning to manifest.
How do you bring back harmony?
‘“Platonic” How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make–and Keep–Friends’ shares many scenarios similar to the one I just made up (partially from a similar previous experience) above.
It’s a really interesting book. I’d read about attachment styles before. but I didn’t really consider how accurate or true they might be.
As I read about attachment styles in detail through this book I was able to learn about my own attachment style. There are three main styles I remember reading about: Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure.
Each attachment style experiences different difficulties or “blessings” per say. Each has its pros and cons. Everyone is on a different spectrum and may have different aspects of each style. Some can be mostly anxious but also have very secure or avoidant tendencies as well. We’re all works in progress after all.
I really enjoyed the book because it talks about how to make friends and how to maintain friendships. But my biggest takeaway was how to have what my friends and I call “harmony” talks. It teaches us how to tell your friends when they hurt your feelings, how to have difficult conversations, and have more authentic relationships.
Keeping the harmony is all about character I realized and something my spiritual mentor calls “fusing.”
Making friends and maintaining friendship is about having good character, which can be really hard because we are all different. We all have varying degrees of temperaments, personalities, traumas, emotional awareness, or understanding etc.
But that’s also the beauty of it all; it’s challenging you to become a better friend and a better version of you. A version of you that can handle conflict and connect with various kinds of people.
Jesus Christ was the best example of this, what better friend than him? Who else could have- despite the various personality types of his disciples-evangelized them and continually loved them? Who else is more perfectly able to be the best teacher, friend, and counterpart anyone could ever ask for?
We are all called to make ourselves in the image of Christ but again how do you keep the harmony when people hurt you, misunderstand you, or mistreat you? What if it’s actually you that hurts or misunderstands someone?
One thing I learned quite early in my life is that every single person in your life will fail you, they will hurt you, they will disappoint you- relationships are not easy to maintain. However, you must continue to love despite all the hurt you experience because it is through it that you will learn to love better- you will gain deeper relationships, healing, and truth.
This doesn’t mean you should tolerate toxicity or let people run over your boundaries. No, it’s about pushing and pulling, balance, valuing yourself and knowing your limits. Learn what relationships are worth fighting for and which ones aren’t. Learn how to grow within the relationships worth keeping. Realize what they offer you and what you can gain from them. Jesus however will never fail us, he is perfect, so when we invite him into our flawed, imperfect relationships he can make them whole again. I’ve seen him do that with many of my family and friends and with myself when I gave my life to Him. So whenever or wherever it is, give your life to Him.
My pastor taught us that people are like rocks. So sometimes rocks rub against each other but through that rubbing they become polished. It is the same with us. Sometimes we butt heads, we hurt each other, but those circumstances can help us fix our character and shine even more. It is about forgiving ourselves too as we go through growing pains and make mistakes.
In a recent sermon he shared a message based on the scripture Matthew 13, verses 3 through 9. It was titled, ‘Make the Field of Your Heart Into a Fertile Field’
Here is a short excerpt from it:
“There’s a method for all the field of rocks, field of thorns, and field of weeds, to become a fertile field.
For a field of rocks, you can take out all the rocks.
For a field of thorny bushes, you can burn off and get rid of all the thorny bushes.
For a field of weeds, you can plow and turn over the soil that has weeds, and tend it again and again.
Then, all the fields can become a fertile field.
The same is true with a person’s ‘heart.’
Even if they have a field of heart that is not good like a rocky field, a thorny field, a weedy field, or a field with hard and tough soil, when they continue to make themselves to be good, then everyone can have a heart like a good, fertile field.
The owner of the field plants and sows according to how the field is made.
When you make ‘your body and heart,’ you will shine even more and you can make [yourself] like an expensive jewel.
When it comes to a person’s ‘heart and body,’ there are people who are very, very valuable like rare kinds of rocks, topography, trees, and other plants.
God chooses, selects, and uses those who are made in their hearts.
He gives missions and blessings according to how people have made themselves.
God looks for those who are pure in their hearts and those who are good and kind in their hearts. He looks at the center of their hearts, and chooses and uses them.”
It is truly as it says in the following scriptures…
(Matthew 5:8) Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
(1 Samuel 16:7) But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
It’s such a blessing that anyone can turn their heart which may be like a rocky field into a beautiful heart. I know that is what Christ did for my rocky field of a heart, though it’s not perfect yet. There is hope for everyone in Christ, but it’s about as much as we do, as much as we take action on God’s Word.
The most valuable investment we can make is in our faith. Invest in God, because he will help us make our heart into a fertile field through the duration of our lifetime. Only He can do that. There isn’t anyone else in the world who can come to our aid as much as Jesus can.
He came for the sick, not the healthy. So we can trust that whatever we bring to Him is safe in His arms as he is a true doctor without malice or deceit.
He reminds us this is not a battle of flesh and blood between our brothers and sisters; but it’s a spiritual one so we must always remember who the real enemy is. It’s Satan. We’re fighting mental battles every day, but it’s about praying, learning God’s word so we can arm our minds with the right tools to defeat evil, and it’s about fighting together with the Lord to overcome. Our only hope and strength is the Lord; without him we can’t gain the victory.
When we invest in God he helps us save time too. My pastor reminded us the other day that time is like money. So we should use our time spiritually, not just physically.
“When you take action with God, then you can do the work that would have taken 10 hours, 10 days, or 100 days instantly as if you condensed time and space.” In the same way when we are faced with a challenge or a difficult task, let’s include God and pray, because then you will receive an answer. He said, “God gives His thoughts like lightning at an instant. When we take action with His thoughts, things work out immediately. So whatever it is, wherever you are, give your life to God. Doing that is like living your life to the greatest and longest degree. God will give you wisdom and knowledge and lead you to gain time by taking action quickly, not doing the work that’s not necessary.”
I think it’s the same with relationships and friendships. If we invest in listening to God’s Word and taking action on it we will make the field of our hearts faster. He’ll lead us so we avoid harm or loss throughout our lives.
The wisdom that God gives helps us save time, money, and heartaches. People make a lot of mistakes in relationships because the field of their heart is not made, so they incur loss as a result.
Recently my spiritual mentor shared these two proverbs with me:
- If you live for yourself and live for your neighbor, Heaven comes. This is the work God does. God lets people live in this way by sending the savior.
- People are entities of truth with their own individualities. Even if they live separately, they must not fight but exist doing fusing action with one another according to their individualities.
- Fusing action means to come together, to meet each with each other and attempt to work together and understand each other. To learn from each other.
In my example, for instance it would be helpful if either friend understood each other’s attachment style and had a conversation to understand each other better.
Now, when I feel hurt by someone I’m not so afraid to tell them. I learned from God and the book ‘Platonic’ that people react best when you also point out the good that they’ve done. Which is why now I try to point that out when telling my friends that something they did hurt me. I’m acknowledging they hurt me while letting them know I love and appreciate them. I talk to them with the goal of understanding them better, to make sure I’m not misunderstanding them out of ignorance. I talk to them with the intent to reconcile the relationship, not to win. I’m ok with apologizing and “losing” if losing means winning harmony. Usually there’s simply no right or wrong, just that people have different perceptions.
Secondly, if I was in these girls shoes I would tell each to be vulnerable about their feelings and to be authentically themselves. Hiding emotions or saving face isn’t always good as it can lead to misunderstanding and resentment.
Third, I’d ask they both pray and include the Lord in their conversation- never forgetting he is by their side and understands both of their hearts better than anyone. When you are in a Christ-centered relationship Christ is not on one side- he’s on God’s side which is the side of love and harmony.
Human beings are very flawed, we have lots of blind spots. My pastor said it’s very easy for people to point out other people’s flaws but not their own. That is why it’s important to include Christ because he will make you aware of your flaws and help you improve your character.
It’s important to kindly point out each other’s flaws with apologetic hearts, acknowledging our own potential blind spots with humility. Christ teaches us to be humble, sacrificial, always with the right heart and purpose.
My friends, if you are having relationship problems I pray you will bring the Lord into it. Entrust your heart to him. Repent and remain committed to love no matter what.
I pray he will guide you all this week so that you can sow good things and reap Heaven.
With love,
Kat
