katHave you ever been hurt by a friend? In a way that is unimaginable and undeniably unkind?
I’m sure you have- I’m sure we all have! Or maybe it wasn’t a very close friend but a coworker or someone you see a lot and can’t avoid? I’ve experienced that before too.
It’s very hard to forgive that person especially when the toxic behavior or abuse is repeated and happens over a long period of time. Especially if you don’t know how to set better boundaries, are a pushover, or simply do not know how to check people or put them in their place.
Unfortunately there are lots of people out there who take advantage of kind people. But one thing I realized is calling out someone when they do something wrong is not mean. We often fail to call out toxic or sinful behavior for the sake of being “kind” or keeping the peace- that is not kindness but truly a disservice to yourself and that other person.
This is something I just realized this past year. Another lesson I learned is when people show you who they are, believe them. Yes, believe them.
But also know that people are complex and multifaceted and so when people show you the worst side of them believe them, but also believe the good. People are very flawed and most times we are not aware of those flaws. Self-awareness and emotional intelligence are some of the best skills human beings can be equipped with.
Recently I was talking to my friend and she shared this immense realization with me that she had. If you guys have ever read the story of Joshua- after he becomes Moses successor and is commended by God to lead the Israelites from the Desert of Zin into the land of Canaan he realizes there are 31 tribes already in the land. He knows the only way to possess this land is to fight his way through it. So anyway the Israelites and Joshua fight a few battles and their name starts to become renown in the surrounding areas- so the Gibeonites hearing about Joshua and his great army start freaking out like, “Duuuude this guy and his army they’re gonna kill us!” So what do they do? They pretend to be these poor people from a far away land and plead with the Israelites to form a treaty. Joshua suspects nothing of their deception, and being the nice guy he was, he forms this treaty with them and takes them in. As a result he faces suffering because later he has to go save the Gibeonites when these 5 allied kings learn about the treaty and decide to go after them.
So my friend and I are discussing a specific situation and my mind is blown! She likened this to when you trust someone far too soon before really getting to know them. When you trust someone blindly your kindness could be taken advantage of and you could be deceived by someone who is actually pretending to be someone they are not- or is using you for their own survival, and if not survival at least for their own benefit. So girl when I tell you my eyes opened when she said that! Because I realized just like Joshua I got bamboozled.
I’ve been repenting a lot to God about this specific situation with this friend who broke my trust and mistreated me because I came to realize girl- it was partially my fault for not setting better boundaries.
My pastor once told me when disharmony with someone or people happens we should repent because that means we failed to take action with the Holy Spirit’s thoughts and wisdom. Because if we did things wisely, if we checked- we probably wouldn’t be in the predicament we are now.
Now on the other hand I think what’s been the hardest is forgiving this person because they’ve never once apologized to me and the truth is they probably never will. Because some people just do not have the self-awareness to take accountability for their wrong actions.
When I tried telling this person something they did wrong and when I did all hell broke loose and this person tried to turn it on me and say I was the one being immature or disrespectful. Mind you I should’ve started telling them much sooner the things they did wrong instead of ignoring confrontation or forgiving immediately without correcting them. I really should’ve corrected them sooner. When I finally stood up for myself it was too late.
It’s very tempting to snap back or treat people as they deserve.
So it is hard to forgive someone, especially if it’s someone you cannot avoid or someone you see often. If they have bad characteristics like short temperament and repeatedly commit offenses against you it’s hard continually forgive them. For example, you ever had a friend that just likes you to tear you down is always talking about how you look, etc.? Some people just cannot help it. They are naturally mean and judgmental- those sins (because they are sins) are deeply rooted in them so they have a lot of work to do in order to change them- if they even recognize their sin and want to change!
But the other day I saw a tiktok that said when you match people’s energy you are actually mirroring their demons and when I tell you they snatched my wig! Quite frankly, I was gagged because it’s very true. I’ve never been a big proponent of “matching people’s energies” because from a young age I learned that is not good in the long run. I remember in high school this girl was talking mad mess about me because this boy liked me and he didn’t like her so she was jealous of me, but you know what instead of spreading rumors about her or treating her as she would treat me I decided not to play into that. In fact I remember my friend told one of the assistant principals this girl was messing with me and when the AP asked if I wanted to “press charges” of sorts I said no. Why? Because I felt bad for this girl. I would talk to my friend about her and we would discuss her home life because at that point in my life I’d learned the bad guys often have a very sad backstory (though not always justified) but I could empathize with that. I knew she was not really a bad guy, but just a girl. My friend and I would often reflect on how sad her life was and not in a mean way but because we genuinely wanted to understand why she was acting so unkindly or crazily. Turns out this girl was actually going through a lot; her family life was difficult to say the least. So one day I was sitting outside, it was just me and her waiting for our rides and something urged me to complement her shoes; even though at the time I did not believe in Jesus I really do think that was Jesus urging me to treat her kindly.
In that moment she just quickly and rather dryly replied, “Thank you,” and when I tell you I felt this wall break. All this tension just suddenly fell away. Jesus in that moment taught me the power of treating people kindly even when they don’t deserve it. I dealt with a lot of mean girls in high school and even middle school too, but I learned how to be a peacemaker through it all. (Although I wasn’t always a peacemaker hehe, sometimes I crashed out not gonna lie. I did talk my fair share of smack too and eventually I realized that wasn’t good either. It is like moms always say, “If you don’t have nothing good to say, don’t say it at all.”)
So anyway back to that video I liked what that man said *shoutout to that content creator* I forget what his username was but you know I realized what he said is true. When you match people’s energy you are allowing Satan into your heart. You are basically having the mentality of the old testament people, “Eye for an eye,” and sis that’s not right! When Jesus came in the New Testament time he came to elevate our level of love so our love now should be greater than that of the old testament time.
What did Jesus say to Peter when he asked him how often he should forgive?
The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant
21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.[a]
Jesus said seventy-seven times…it’s a hyperbole of course Jesus is not saying literally 77 times but what he means or what he is asking of us is to forgive FAR BEYOND OUR LIMITS, even 11 multiples of what we originally think is reasonable. Forgive beyond count. Forgive a lot. Choose forgiveness.
But one thing I liked that this tiktoker also said is- you know why this is happening. You know why you keep getting TRIED- so why are you acting surprised? As believers in Jesus Christ we know what kind of spiritual battle we are up against everyday. We may not be persecuted to the point of death physically, but we are persecuted and struck down, hard-pressed on every side in our minds everyday. Because now is not a time when we are being physically killed, because the times have advanced that much that Christianity is no longer persecuted like it was before. (Although I recently heard of Christians who were brutally murdered in the DRC and Syria). When Christianity first started it was seen as a cult and Christians were treated like heretics. I mean HECK, Jesus died on the cross for us because the people of his generation denied him. His disciples too followed a similar path. So in this time- we are fighting a battle of the MIND where instead Satan aims to kill our souls, our spirits.
So how does he aim to do that? He wants to make you bitter, a hater in your heart, angry so you’ll eventually crash out on somebody and he can accuse you and say to God, “Look they’re not better than the wicked, they act just like the wicked when tempted or mistreated. They’re just like me.”
So stop repeating the same mistakes. Stop acting surprised when your coworker is mean, when your friend offends you for the 77th time, when your family judges you unfairly.
BECAUSE A LIFE IN CHRIST IS NOT FREE FROM PAIN OR TRIBULATION OR PERSECUTION. In fact, it’s full of it. If you give your life to Christ be prepared to suffer.
ROMANS 3:5 says, “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Suffering produces perseverance and character. Everytime you feel tried you should see it as training.
These are all trials that will ultimately help build your character if you allow them to, or they can make you worse if you let them. It’s either you defeat the demon or the demon defeats you- Satan will overtake you if you don’t learn to overtake him. Rule over evil.
So this is my advice to you- keep being kind. Do not repay evil with evil.
Romans 12:17-18 “17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Notice Paul says, “as far as it depends on you,” because it really does depend on you. He also says, “if it is possible,” because it is not always possible to live at peace with everyone. Some people are too unkind, toxic, or abusive to keep around. Sometimes you need time to get to a place where you can live at peace with someone again. Forgiveness takes time. The other party should not expect you to forgive them so easily.
But ultmately we must not repay evil for evil. Instead be kind because what does kindness do? Kindness heaps burning coals on Satan and the forces of darkness.
Romans 12:19-21
19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[b]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
So yeah that’s what we have to do. It’s really hard friends and getting to a place where you can be kind even to someone who is so unkind or who hurt you greatly. Like I said, it takes time. So give yourself time but don’t waste it either. At the end of the day we will all die and face God. Don’t let resentment keep you from mending a relationship with someone who truly loves you and is just humanly flawed. So yeah they’re going to make mistakes sometimes. I learned this when I forgave my father who left when I was 4 years old, verbally and physically abused my mother and my sister, cheated on my mom, and was quite honestly a pretty bad father. But when he showed he truly changed, when he apologized, when he truly sought Christ I believed him and I forgave him and now we have a relationship. This wouldn’t be possible if he did not take accountability for his actions.
I saw this thread the other day that said, “You disrespect yourself every time you rekindle a friendship or relationship with someone who has disrespected you or had humiliated you in anyway shape or form. Forgiveness is one thing however you must have boundaries,” the twitter handle was sovxtoria.
The other tweet said, “Every time you go back to someone who disrespected you, you’re telling yourself that their comfort matters more than your peace. Forgiveness is about freeing your heart, but boundaries? That’s about protecting it. When someone shows you they don’t value you, believe them. Letting them back in without real change only teaches them they can play with your worth. Respect yourself enough to say, “I forgive you but you can’t sit at my table anymore.” Your peace and self worth? Non negotiable”
Now this might seem harsh to some people- it sounded a little harsh to me but then I read it again and I was like you know what they’re 100 percent right! Some people are so toxic they will never change. Unless you show me you’ve changed then maybe you’ll be allowed back into my life, otherwise you can’t be in it. If we work together then we’ll work together I’ll keep it respectful. If we must do things together we’ll do those things together but I will never let you back into my heart because you broke my trust and you do not deserve my heart. You can have my forgiveness but that does not give you access to me anymore. You can be Christian but that doesn’t mean you have no boundaries and let people walk over you.
It really depends on the depth of the offense or offenses I think too, but I do want to say if this relationship is physically or verbally abusive nah sis, you gotta go. YOU GOTTA GO! That’s all I’m going to say on that.
So yeah that’s it for today’s blog. I’m all for second chances but in this blog I’m more so talking about someone who has continuously disrespected you or mistreated you.
Next video I’ll talk about meeting people where they’re at and not giving too much of yourself because I think this other topic is a HUGE lesson I’ve learned at 24 years old.
