katThis last Friday I transitioned my grandmother to hospice. It was a difficult decision to make.
There have been many sad moments within the last week, but also many blessed moments of joy. Some people say the sour moments in life make the good ones even sweeter. I understand what they mean now. It’s true.
Somehow there are more little things to be grateful for. Things you’d normally not be grateful for. It’s a good day when my grandma’s eyes are open, when I get to see her smile, or laugh. It’s a bad day when she can’t eat or talk. When she’s moaning in pain and the medication hasn’t kicked in.
Today I spent some time getting rid of all of my grandma’s papers. I found some letters an old lover named Edgar wrote. He was my dad and uncle’s stepdad and he was entrusted to take care of them when my grandma left for the USA and crossed the border. My mom thinks my dad and uncle got in a fight with him and my grandma found someone new here in the US, so they went their separate ways.
I also found photographs of a big birthday party my grandma had maybe 20 years ago or so before I was born. Her friends celebrated her birthday at the place she worked. She has so many pictures of her with her boss and her friends, none of which except for one are still around, though even the circumstances surrounding that friend are quite shocking. You can see her dancing, drinking a pina colada (I guess she did drink sometimes), and they even bought her a huge cake with her name on it. My grandmother used to sell drugs there. My mom showed me a picture and showed me a friend who used to influence my dad to do drugs.
I also found lots of paperwork that explained a lot of things.
I found a document from the doctor’s that showed my grandmother was diagnosed with early cirrhosis in 2017.
I found a document that found she had arthritis and a left knee injury.
I also found two death certificates. One was for my grandpa, who I never met. It showed he died when he was 40 years old due to hepatic cirrhosis. The other showed my grandmother died due to liver cancer at 98 years old. That’s a really long time. She almost lived to be 100.
It’s quite sad really. I felt pretty bummed. My mom helped me shred away all my grandma’s papers. She kept everything and as we were getting rid of this stuff we wondered why she kept everything? This is stuff she shouldn’t have accumulated overtime, but I think it’s a good thing she kept it all. I think God inspired her to keep it so that I could see everything and piece everything together.
By now I’ve shared a lot with you guys about my family, my life, and my upbringing. These were the cards I was dealt. It might seem like a pretty bad deal for some of you, but for some of you it’s much worse. You wish you had half the cards I do.
This past week I realized a lot about myself. It could be very easy for me to say “screw it” and go down a bad path right about now.
It would be very easy.
The excuses are reasonable to a degree: alcoholic dead grandpa, alcoholic dead uncle, soon to be dead grandma, deadbeat dad, my many mistakes. My heavy, burdened, broken, and traumatized heart.
The other day an old friend came back into my life. Her name is Christina. Her mom, Rita, who passed away due to cirrhosis as well, passed away when she was in 6th grade. Rita was my grandma’s friend, they crossed the border together along with Rita’s sister Dora-the only friend from the birthday pictures that my grandma still has.
The day before the nurse told me someone came to visit my grandmother yesterday and was with her form 8 am to 1 pm. My grandma typically didn’t have anyone visit her at the hospital other than me, and my grandma doesn’t have many friends. She’d burned a lot of her relationships throughout her life.
I didn’t understand who it could’ve been. Maybe my aunt who was her caretaker? She would’ve told me. So I wondered but when I walked in the next day I saw this young woman with really short hair. At that moment Theresa walked in and said, “She’s the woman I told you about.”
As they were about to change my grandma’s diaper we walked outside.
“So how do you know my grandma,” I asked in Spanish in case she didn’t speak english.
She responded in Spanish but eventually switched to English. She explained everything and said she remembered me as a little girl. I looked the same ,she said. My grandmother’s other friend who I recently met also said the same thing. My face hasn’t changed one bit.
Then she explained to me that when her mother passed away she couldn’t be there for her as much because she was a little girl, but that she wanted to be here for my grandma. She remembers my grandma taking care of her and her brother Junior when they were little. She remembers my grandma working in the same elementary school she went to when she was little. She remembers going to the same high school my grandma worked in, Pasadena Memorial High School. She told me my grandma would share her food with her. When I told my mom this she told me my grandma would always buy them things and give them money. My dad also really cared for Christina and her family. He’d always play with her and mess with the kids.
Christina and I have spent a lot of time together in the last two weeks, catching up about our lives. She has 3 kids and a supportive husband. Her dad isn’t so great, Junior is in Mexico spending his veteran disability money.
I told her about my life and my family. She said, “Girl you need therapy seriously.”
“God is my therapy”
“That’s good because there are some things not even therapists can help with.” I agree.
I am so thankful for Christina. I’m telling you guys God always sends people. Before then it was just me visiting my grandmother; it’s very draining, sad, and difficult doing this alone. But being able to text and talk to someone who genuinely cares and gets it makes all the difference. There have been so many acts of kindness and beautiful moments in the last couple of days I could write thousands of pages taking you through it. All I can say is God is good, all the time.
I also want to say that this is truly a small world. People from my childhood who I don’t even remember have started coming out to support me and my grandma. The other day my grandma’s nurse said, “Hey I think we went to the same high school,” and she was right. She took care of my grandma for two days.
Just two days ago, at the hospice, an older woman came into my grandma’s room and I stared at her wondering what she was here to do but she simply said, “Oh I just wanted to say hi to your grandma,” and asked, “Hey, do you know Christina?”
Turns out she knows Christina. She was friends with Rita, her mom, and knew Thomas and all her family. They lived in the same neighborhood and Christina went to school with her kids. They were in the same grade and went to all the same schools.
Isn’t that insane? Then Christina told me that woman said if anyone mistreated my grandmother at the hospice that we could tell her and she’d straighten them up. She’s one of the heads of the nursing home. I am so glad someone is looking out for us. I know God sent that woman.
It’s so crazy how big Houston is and how interconnected we are. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve crossed paths with someone from my past, even though this is such a big city. God sends each person at the right times. You have to recognize the one he’s working through at each time. Otherwise we end up just like the Pharisees and Sadducees who failed to recognize God in Jesus.
This is why I suggest that we don’t burn any bridges and treat everyone with love and kindness. You don’t know how God can work through them to help you, or work through you to help them.
So though it could be easy for me to give up on my story and my life because of how tragic it may seem at the outset. Ever heard of how bad things always happen in 3’s? Well I dare say good things happen in 3s too, at the very least.
I know there are still many stories for me to write, things to heal from, and many moments of reconciliation. Life always comes full circle.
I firmly believe God has predestined a happy ending for me, for scripture says his will is good, perfect, and pleasing. The past is the past, but there is still the present and the future. I can change that.
I used to blame God, I used to be angry, I used to wonder why he’d let me be born into such difficulty. I don’t know why I was born into a family with so much trauma and sadness, but I do know one thing. God taught me for everything broken there is a time of healing. With a little optimism and determination anything is possible. It’s all about how you think. If you think you can do it, you can do it.
If I was sent to suffer, to fix, and to heal then I will fulfill this mission with honor and loyalty. If it can help even one person then my suffering is well worth it.
That’s the mentality God, the Holy Spirit, Holy Son and the one he sent have instilled in me. One of never giving up.
A little suffering for the sake of salvation…I’m ok with that. I’ll walk that path with you Jesus, you’ve already walked that path and you’d do it again. If you can do that I can do it too.
The best stories are ones full of heartache and sacrifice, but they must end with a happily ever after, a good reward. So let’s make this story the best one yet.
