katI felt anxious about getting on the plane when I left for El Salvador. I was so scared.
As I’m leaving home, I feel an immense desire to cry. I am crying as I write this. I don’t feel so afraid about being on this plane. I put my trust in God, he is in control, and I prayed he would return us safely. No matter what, I will always love God.
It’s funny how things work: how afraid you can be to do something or go somewhere and how somehow, once you have experienced it, you love it so much you cry when it’s gone.
I think it’s called love. It’s the only thing that can describe such a phenomenon.
Those who sow tears will reap with sounds of joy.
There are many reasons people cry. I’ve sown many tears of longing, of missing, of love.
I felt this aching feeling in my throat, that feeling when you want to cry since early morning. I felt it on the way out of my aunt’s house too. So when it came time to say goodbye, I burst. I could feel my mom crying as she hugged my grandma goodbye, even though I couldn’t see her eyes.
When I hugged my aunt, I wondered if it might be the last, so I held her tight. My cousins hugged me tight, too; though they are young, I expect to see them soon.
Distance is a challenging thing to cope with. Anyone with family in a different country understands this. When you arrive, everything feels strange. When it’s time to get back home, everything feels weird too.
I will miss hugs from my second cousins’ children and hugs from children I hardly knew and weren’t family but treated me like it. I will miss their innocence and humbleness. Yet I will miss them for their boldness and wild energy.
I will miss my family for everything that they restore in me.
I will miss my grandpa for his jokes about drinking, even though he’s a devoted Christian now and will never drink again. I will miss watching him care for his “nieta postiza,” as my mom called her. The stage he missed from his grandchildren’s life he gets to experience from raising another. My aunt also adopted two of her sister’s daughters because her sister wanted to sell them and abused them, both verbally and physically. They call my aunt mami since she’s raised them since they were babies. My mom used to babysit them.
I will miss my aunt for her ability to curse and make it sounds so mundane and funny.
I will miss cold showers from a bucket. I will miss outdoor restrooms. I will miss the distinct smell of sweat when we sit close together.
I will miss my second cousins for their kindness. One of my cousins did my nails. The other would prepare me a plate every morning and call me “Kati” and my other cousin was always willing to help. We messed with him a lot, haha.
Physically, I am exhausted. Time passed so fast. We had something to do every hour, and some nights I hardly slept. Sometimes we just stayed up a bit later than usual to make the most of our time with our family. Spiritually and on a soul level, I have gained fuel. A reason to continue to work hard and fulfill God’s purpose for creating us.
It’s hard to get back into the rhythm of things, though. Just yesterday, I was playing with kids, teaching a little girl how to write the number “8” something I take for granted, blowing a snotty girl’s nose. My second cousin’s daughter would come into our room almost exclusively so I could blow her nose because she knew I had a soft thing called ‘tissues’.
Just yesterday I watched the movie “Sing.” If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll know what I’m talking about. My favorite part is when the koala is sad because his theater completely crumbled after he installed the squid tank, and those vengeance-bound bears came for pip squeak’s 100k. Well, it’s my favorite part because his friend says, “Well, the good thing about reaching rock bottom is there is only one way to go: up!”
From then, the koala hears Meena sing, and he is empowered to rebuild the theater again. Their show is a hit, so much so that the rich grandma of his friend buys the theater allowing the koala to fulfill all of his wishes and dreams.
This is a very empowering movie, very relevant to our lives. When your faith or heart crumbles, it’s a good thing because it’s an opportunity to rebuild it even better.
Every time I go to El Salvador, my heart breaks. I am humbled again at the sight of skinny dogs with tumors, poor people (both physically and spiritually), people with traumatic stories directly resulting from the civil war, and dirt floors.
Yet simultaneously, my heart and soul are restored. Many people I’ve encountered have more love in their hearts than most people I’ve met in America.
Dirty walls, untiled mud floors, water from wells, rock-hard mattresses, or humble hammock beds-none of these things impede their love. Their love is evident in their conversations, dinner table conversations, and “God bless you’s.” Even in their faults and flaws, their passion is evident. Their patience and ability to mend, reinvent, and lighten what is broken.
Salvadorans are storytellers and faithful. Many have their foundations in Christ, and many are sacrificial like him. Salvadorans live up to the country’s name.
When we were leaving my family at the airport, my mom tried to explain why we were crying to my aunt. She said, “It’s because we get used to living here.” I told my aunt, “It always feels like the last time we’ll see each other, the last trip, but we come back.” I pray this will not be the last, though I know one day there will be, and I guess that is why I grieve. My grandpa never cries. He told me to cry for all of us. I certainly have.
What I experienced is something I can’t explain even to my closest friends. It’s something one has to undergo. It’s something I can’t even explain. I wish I had enough time to write down every detail of my human experience. El Salvador is beautiful, for its pools of water and touristy areas and even more for its less attractive areas. A friend told me there is not much to do in El Salvador unless you come with a specific purpose. I agree with that. But I think there’s also much to do without. I come with God’s purpose and my purpose in mind, praying that my goal can unite with the Lord’s wishes and dreams.
I am lucky to be able to experience visiting El Salvador as many times as I have. I am proud to be Salvadoran. I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.
It’s ok if no one else understands. I know the Holy Trinity does, and that is more than enough. I will guard these emotions and stories in a special place in my heart only Christ knows.
To families that crumble and rebuild. To generations that never forget their roots. To American immigrants who keep hustling for a better future for themselves and others. I am writing for you.
Playlist:
Your World- Jonathan McReynolds
Que Pase El Mundo- Majo y Dan
This is what falling in love feels like-JVKE
Tenderness-Mark Barlow
Worldwide-Big Time Rush
Psalm 42- Mary Desmond
No one ever cared for me like Jesus- Steffany Gretzinger
I Am Moana (Song of the Ancestors)- Aulil’i Cravalho & Rachel House
