katThere is nothing like the feeling of falling in love. It’s like the sound of music. That feeling when two lovers meet eye to eye in a movie and they dance together. For that moment time stops.
But the feeling of falling in love again- that is an even greater feeling. Falling in love once is easy. Falling in love twice is hard. Falling in love time and time again- which all committed people aim to do, is a great accomplishment. I’m not speaking of falling in love with another again- that’s quite easy to do; all people do that. They separate and find a new shiny diamond to fall in love with-I’m guilty of this so I speak from experience. I’m speaking of falling in love with your one and only partner for life, once and once again.
It’s great to choose to marry someone who you must fight to love again and again. All happy couples surely marry with that promise. When they share their vows they promise to love, “For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, and until death do us part.”
It’s beautiful to fall in love.
I’ve only ever fallen in love once. It made me realize what true love is. All my previous attempts at love pale in comparison to the object of all my affections. Who might that ‘object’ be, you might ask?
He’s someone who admired me all my life. He watched me from afar. He was my secret admirer, but I didn’t know. Many times he protected me and watched after me, without my knowledge. I always vied for others’ love and affection but I did not know the love I sought was right in front of me. He lived in my very neighborhood, he dwelled in my midst.
I wasn’t aware of his existence but he started appearing to me in short moments. At the start our meetings and exchanges were few and brief. Gradually, I started seeing him everywhere I went and I couldn’t help but start to notice a few things. It was more than what he looked like that I noticed, I must always admit he is handsome, but it was the way he carried Himself and what he said that captured my attention.
I’ve always been on a search for truth and when I’d ask questions he’d step in and answer them for me with such undeniable wit, intellect, and knowledge. It was surprising and refreshing to meet someone so deep thinking and well-versed in literature, worldly knowledge, and the intangible concepts of the heart.
However, it wasn’t love at first sight. It wasn’t all easy from the start. He terrified me and he vexed me (if you’re wondering if I’ve been watching a bit too much Bridgerton I have!), yet He intrigued me and mesmerized me. He terrified me because others spoke ill of him. They said dishonest things about him and painted out to be a villain, a deceiver, false. His name was dragged through the mud, they defamed him. People twisted his words, misunderstood him.
However, when I watched him and heard him in passing he seemed kind, a gentleman, a sweetheart. He had gentle eyes, a kind smile. He dressed well and acted compassionately.
I wanted nothing more than to understand him, because I thought that perhaps in understanding him I might come to understand myself more. It’s something I felt and knew in my innermost being. The spirit knows, far before the body does, of the one it belongs to. The heart always knows first, what the physical being cannot grasp.
One day we sat together and we spoke. I told him all the things I’d heard about and asked if any of them were true. He told me a story about his past, why they said all those cruel things and I understood him a bit more. So I kept meeting him every week, yearning to hear it all. His willingness to be vulnerable, ignited a boldness in me to do just the same. So it became our habit to meet over bubble tea at his house, at his table, so much that I didn’t want to come home.
There were a few obstacles to our love. For one, I didn’t trust him. Gaining my trust was quite the journey for the both of us.
I didn’t trust myself. There were many things I needed to face, that I could not admit to myself. Much less to him. He was beautiful, perfect.
I also could not forgive myself for my past actions. I felt unworthy of his love especially after all that time of being so blind.
I felt I needed to be perfect to be loved. Before him I never allowed myself to be sincere, with anyone. There was always a facade I put on, a mask I wore, so afraid that if I didn’t they’d find me out and in their disappointment shun me.
He was the first to see me exactly for who I was. The first to desire something more from me than physical affections. I fell in love with his mind, with his Words, his heart. He didn’t want anything from me my spirit could tell. He just wanted me. All of me.
He challenged me. He said things to me that everyone was too afraid to say. He called me out when I was wrong. He had a different worldview and with each meeting he explained it to me and I found myself attentively listening and understanding it.
It was hard to admit I was wrong. He was kinder, purer, more loving than I was, that’s for sure. He was a force that tugged my heart to become better. He brought light to the darker parts of me.
When someone wants you, you have to let them in. I didn’t want to do that. I was afraid and I kept telling myself it was all a farce, that he was just a man in disguise, that He was just going to disappoint me as men have.
So I tried to run. I kept running but the more I shut him away, the more he came after me with this desperate longing I’d never seen in anyone before. No one had ever shown such interest in me. He was gentle in His pursuits but unafraid to let me know of his true intentions. He was looking for a wife, someone he could spend the rest of eternity with.
I felt I couldn’t be what he wanted so I shut him out. Though I wanted to change, I felt I would inevitably make a mistake and disappoint him. I couldn’t match his pureness, his love, his divinity.
The strangest things began to occur. In addition to seeing Him everywhere, I started to feel him everywhere. He’d show up at my door and I’d shut it in his face. I started ignoring his attempts to come to me by hiding in my room. Yet, he consumed every part of my thoughts, my existence, my life. That scared me. Because if I chose him I’d have to throw everything I’d ever known. Though I knew what I’d known all my life wasn’t working in my favor I was scared of what a life with him would be. Could I really give up my old ways? What I’d known wasn’t good for me, but like a pig who rolls in mud I kept throwing myself into it. Bad habits do die hard.
But it was too late to go back, he’d changed me. So when I did throw myself in the mud I found myself wallowing in guilt, no longer wanting that kind of life. Now that I knew Him, I only wanted to live like Him, with Him.
I tried to live my life without him for a bit- to prove to myself I didn’t need Him. But I saw Him in the trees, in the clouds, in the rain, in the sunrise, in the sunset, in the butterflies, even in the ants, and especially in those around me. I yearned for Him and He’s all I could think about. I wondered what He was doing, if everything He’d ever told me was true. I read our old letters, our exchanges from months ago and all the evidence pointed to one thing: He loved me.
One day it hit me. I would never come to be loved like this again. That I’d never know if I never tried. If I ran away from this opportunity, I’d never find out if He was the real thing. I’d never find out if I could be who He called me to be.
Then someone told me He was leaving and going back to His hometown. I thought about it long and hard, if I could live with myself knowing I’d never see Him again. I realized if I didn’t take the opportunity to confess my love for Him I’d lose Him and myself forever. For my life now felt tied to His.
My love for Him led me to do a frightening thing. That night I went to his home. I threw rocks at His window until he saw me.
He came down and welcomed me into His home again. I burst into tears and I hugged Him and I was honest about my fears and my pains. The things about love I did not understand and my hesitancy to dive deep and try to figure it out myself. He was gentle with my fears, loving, understanding.
Things were a bit cold between us at first. I think He feared me shunning Him out again, but I promised I wouldn’t and I did everything to reciprocate the kindness he’d shown me. Unlike me He’s not resentful it didn’t take long for Him to start trusting me again. I’d show up early to our meetings, I brought gifts to Him, I tried to be pleasing to Him- though it wasn’t hard anymore. It started to become so natural to me, not forced.
I started seeing Him in my dreams and waking with Him in my mind. I knew I was falling in love. I’d never felt more free, more myself, more healed.
One day he asked for my hand in marriage and I said yes.
I will never know a greater love. It’s a love of the soul, of the spirit and there is no truer love than that.
