katHave you ever seen two butterflies dancing?
Have you ever felt the world stop? Their wings’ flutter frees the world into a place of mystery and beauty. You can’t help but stop and follow them with your eyes, captivated by their grandness yet gentleness. How can something be so fragile and beautiful? So marvelous and out of this world, even if it is from this world.
My grandmother is still in the hospice. Last night I cried till my chest heaved up and down in uncontrollable rhythms. I struggled to breathe in between sobs.
My grandma hasn’t opened her eyes, been able to eat, or talk since Sunday evening. I feel the end coming soon. I thought I was ready, but that night the grief consumed me. I thought about how I told my grandma I was leaving before I left the nursing home and that I loved her. She only moaned back with her eyes closed, as if she wanted to speak but couldn’t. The sadness of my loss filled my entire being, knowing I will never get to go back in time. Sometimes I feel guilty thinking maybe there’s something more I could’ve done. Sometimes I feel so misunderstood and lonely.
But these feelings are always temporary. Then God comes again and shows me he is with me. He makes himself known through nature, a person, or other seen things of this world.
That night he made himself known. He came to me through someone.
There was something at church I was going to do on Sunday but I told my friend I could no longer do it because I wasn’t feeling well. She asked if I wanted to talk. I wasn’t sure because I hate asking for help and sounding weak, but I decided it couldn’t make things worse; perhaps it would help.
Even though she was overseas in Taiwan at the hospital waiting to pick up her meds and waiting to get a blood draw she still made time for me. She didn’t tell me until after our call. After our call she testified that it was usually swift but for some reason, the hospital staff just left her ticket on the chair for the entire time we were on the call and didn’t even touch it. In her words, “I realized it was the Holy Spirit orchestrating it so we could have a conversation without any interruption.”
Through our call, she helped me see things from a different perspective.
We equate death with sadness, mourning, death, grief, and loss, amongst many other negative feelings. Death can be sad, but she helped me realize it’s all about perspective.
She said my grandma was likely holding on because I was still holding on to her. I didn’t realize it. Everyone, all of her friends and even my family, already said their goodbyes and made closure. All this time it was just me who wasn’t ready to let go.
As much as I thought I was “spiritual” and had gone far beyond this physical world to know my grandma will absolutely go to Heaven with Jesus Christ, as much as I believe that- I was still holding on. I was hiding my feelings even from God. Pretending I’m stronger than I am. Pretending I’m not sad. Because I want to be perfect, I wish to uphold this ideal image. After all, I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable with my feelings because I sometimes believe sharing too much emotion with the world is bad. Who will want to believe in God if I cry and grieve so much? Does that make my faith weaker? Am I representing God well by admitting I am going through a hard time?
That night I stopped pretending. I allowed myself to break down and admit how difficult this is for me and how much I will miss my grandma.
My friend said, “If you focus on the present you will only see sadness, loss, and pain. If you focus on the future, everything’s about God, happiness, joy, and Heaven. Don’t focus on the loss but on the future gain. You are saying it’s a funeral but I’m saying it’s a memorial. You already said goodbye; now it’s about celebrating her life. Think of it like you are in charge of a happy project. Then it’s not scary. You look forward to it; it’s a celebration of life. When there’s loss, something new comes out of it.” Suddenly it became so clear to me.
I was clinging to my grandma and sometimes praying for her to be healed. Sometimes we hold on to our loved ones and can’t let them go. We wish we could’ve done more for them, but we did a lot. We wish we had more time, even if we had plenty of quality moments they are overshadowed by the present fear of living without them. We will always think we should have done more.
If you focus on the physical you will always think negatively when you face a limitation. If you focus on the spiritual you will always live with hope. You will know there are bigger things than the physical but what you did for the spirit. You will see more than the temporary moment.
It will be a great relief for my grandma to go to Heaven; she fought hard. Everyone in this world reaches a stage where Heaven is the better place for them. Life is about stages.
Sometimes our family members hold on because they are waiting for us to know we’re ok with them leaving this world. That we will be ok without them physically here.
My mentor said my grandma will never leave me because her spirit lives forever…so she will always be with me. The promise is true and God will take care of her.
It felt like my confirmation from God.
It will be a privilege to celebrate my grandmother’s life, write her eulogy, and carry her life’s stories. It was an honor to know her and be her granddaughter. There’s no better journey or family God could have placed me in.
If you look at it from a different perspective, everything becomes a good thing or is not as bad as you initially thought.
I am ready to let my grandma go. I am ready for her to live in the dimensions of peace and rest where there is no pain and she can receive God’s reward-his everlasting gift of life.
My mentor said she felt chills speaking to me and she cried. She doesn’t ever really cry but in that moment, she felt God speaking through her so she did. I felt God speaking truth to me too. He was comforting me and telling me everything I needed to know. I know everything’s gonna be ok.
Today, when I told my mom what my mentor said to me, she cried. I almost cried again too. Not because I was sad but because I was astounded by the Holy Spirit’s ability to always say precisely what you need to hear. By God’s ability to speak to you so powerfully.
After speaking to my mom I walked outside and two enormous yellow and black butterflies flew past me. They flew all over my backyard back and forth together, like they were dancing. They looked beautiful and I was astounded by the sight. I had never seen such humongous butterflies. It was a magical sight.
The other day my pastor said that when God gives you a revelation, you must recognize what God is saying to you.
I wondered what this natural revelation could mean. When I see butterflies, I think of hope. When I went inside and told my mom she said butterflies signify something good, that a vast blessing will come my way. I searched up the meaning on Google and found that two butterflies symbolize hope and positivity, even rebirth and renewal.
The butterflies never parted, just like I will never part from God. We are counterparts in perfect harmony. I pray I will always be one with God and those he loves. I also felt God telling me that just like those two butterflies, my grandma will always live within my heart; we will always be together and never part. Our spirits will always be connected, one under Christ.
Later that evening I visited my grandma and I found her awake. She was being fed by the nurse. I was incredibly shocked, I know God made this miracle happen. My grandma was woke up for me and was waiting for me. I said everything I needed to say. I told her it was okay for her to go, that I’m ready. I told her about God and when I asked her if she understood she said a humble “yes” in between her painful moans. It sounded so much like herself, so kind. I did cry but I didn’t feel so sad anymore. I’m ready for her to rest.
I will keep sharing my true heart. I am a faithful believer in Jesus Christ, and I love God. We all go through hard times in our lives. Moments that test our faith, but as a kind friend recently told me, “It’s about what you do with the pain.” My faith gives me the strength to overcome things that, without God, people cannot.
If people look at me and see me as lesser than an example because I’m a sentimental person with deep feelings, then so be it. But I will keep being vulnerable, sharing my emotions and trials. I don’t think they show my God is weaker but that in my weaknesses- in the moments of difficulty we all go through in our lives- my God is stronger than all of it. He goes beyond all our shortcomings. That is why I believe in my God. Not because my life is always perfect and I never break down crying, but because I’ve been dragged through the deep end and Jesus has always helped me come out stronger than ever.
My Jesus, he always comes through for me. He always finds me in a dark valley and revitalizes my faith so my spirit may live eternally with him.
