katTRIGGER WARNING: This is a non-fiction piece I wrote about a recent hospital visit with my grandmother. If hospitals, illness, details of seeing a loved one in pain may be triggering for you-please refrain from reading this short story. I may post a version that leaves out any triggering details in the future, but I did do my best to filter as much as I could as to not cause anyone to feel uncomfortable or sad. My hope with sharing this story is that others will realize even through difficult times, God is always there with us whether we are aware of it or not. During this difficulty I experienced, God made himself known to me again and again. I am thankful to him who helps me in the darkest of nights and brightest of days. I also hope my vulnerability can help foster more transparency in this world. We all go through difficult moments, please don’t be afraid to share yours-whether through writing or by confiding in a friend. I firmly believe in doing so we open the doors to healing for ourselves and others.
…
The EKG man on the ambulance said to me while the sirens began wailing in the back, “You can put a seatbelt on,” and pointed to this spaceship looking seat to the right of my grandma’s bed, a right angle from the EKG guy’s seat. “The seatbelt is kind of like a rollercoaster,” he said and I laughed a bit in agreement. I buckled in, and as we sped through streets and came to hard stops, I was sure glad I did. At times I almost slid off the seat or hovered in the air for a few milliseconds.
“I was about to say ‘Shouldn’t you be in school right now?’ but I forgot it’s a Saturday.”
“I know, I look young but I’m actually not in school. I graduated college already.”
“Oh wow! What high school do you go to?”
I told him and he said, “I don’t know where that is, honestly.” Then he proceeded to ask me what I studied in college.
I just said “Creative writing,” but I’d actually studied much more than that. I usually tell strangers I studied one subject and interchange between ‘spanish’, ‘sociology’, or stick to saying ‘liberal studies’, depending on the person.
“Oh, I have an idea for a movie! Would you be able to write it for me?”
I laughed, “Oh? What is it?”
“Have you seen ‘Fight club’?”
“No, is that an old movie?”
“Man, this conversation is over! How could you not have seen Fight Club? And yes, I guess it is a lil old.” I only laughed. Should I be embarrassed for not having seen Fight Club? I appreciated him for trying to make me laugh though. It distracted me from the sound of sirens. Otherwise, all I could do was wallow in my feelings and watch my grandmother on the bed to the point of tears.
He started explaining his movie idea to me. “What if this guy has a bunch of girlfriends and with each one he starts acting differently, like they bring out different sides of him, but turns out his girlfriends aren’t actually girlfriends but drugs. His friends know it’s drugs, but certain people like his family don’t. What do you think?”
“I said man that’s deep…” but I also wanted to say, “That sounds oddly familiar like a plot I’ve heard before,” but I didn’t say that because I didn’t want to be discouraging. For all I know this premise could already exist though.
I continued, “I’ll write it, but you gotta pay me something.”
“What do you want? Name your price,” he nodded back at me.
“For real?”
“I’m for real.”
Then I felt nervous and embarrassed. I didn’t actually wanna go through with this! So I changed the topic.
“Is this your life everyday?”
He said, “Yeah this is my job, I transfer from the ambulance and fire truck everyday.”
Before I knew it we’ arrived at the emergency entrance of the hospital.
—
When we got to Methodist they got my gma off the ambulance and we went directly to the check-in area. It was the EKG guy and another white guy who accompanied us. They were both very kind and immediately took the lead in explaining the emergency to staff and doctors. They were there with me as it happened. I didn’t feel so alone and I realized God was working through them. I almost felt a fatherly love. Even as my father in El Salvador wasn’t with me, these two firefighters were and earlier it had been 8 men.
When I called 911 about 8 firefighters showed up bit by bit. They all questioned me, asking the same questions again and again. It was very worrisome and disorienting at times, but also comforting and reassuring, because the more info I gave them the more answers they seemed to have about what could be wrong with my gma. Many of them spoke Spanish and spoke with my confused grandmother.
I kept feeling God was with me working through people.
—
When they took her initial vitals they didn’t let me go in with her. I took a seat in a chair conveniently placed in front of the room. All over the hospital they had beautiful framed images of nature and hope-filled, bright colored things. In front of me was an image of an ethereal rainbow beaming into Niagara Falls.
I knew it was God saying to me he was with me, that his promises would never fail me. He showed me a rainbow, when I was in a place I couldn’t see one. God always finds a way to show you a rainbow.
After taking her vitals they left us in a hallway, because the hospital was at capacity and didn’t have any rooms readily available.
—
A lady in a pink tank top, with her hands behind her back, walked through the emergency room hallway. As she walked by she addressed every person making comments to them. To a lady in a hospital bed she said “Hey, that wig looks good!” She continued saying nonsense, funny comments to each person as she passed by but she didn’t say anything to me. I laughed a little at the wig comment, until I noticed the handcuffs and a cop escort a few steps behind her. Towards the end she said “take me away!” as if owning her alarming situation and all the eyes on her.
—
While still at the ER an older lady behind one of the curtained rooms seemed in a fairly good mood. I could hear the friendly conversation with her nurse. The old lady kept hollering, “Oh Lord help me to remember nothing is gon’ happen today that we can’t overcome together!”
“Amen!” another lady responded. I felt God speaking to me then.
At this moment the nurses in our room were taking all kinds of samples from my grandmother, inserting all kinds of things into her body and I had to be strong. I didn’t cry at any point, not the ambulance, not when I found my grandmother helpless and confused. I sure wasn’t going to cry now, though there was a tug in my throat.
Two nurses had to help to get her samples and to clean her up. She grimaced in pain. I held her in hopes it might comfort her and help her feel more human in a moment that was so dehumanizing.
In hospitals all sense of normalcy is thrown out the window. We are stripped both physically and spiritually; stripped to nothing but bare nakedness and bare faith.
I caressed her forehead and said, “It’s ok, you just have to get through this but it’s almost over. Almost done.” Truth was we were just getting started.
The nurse was a nice Latina lady. She kept affirming to my grandma in Spanish, “Remember we’re trying to help you. We need you to cooperate so we can help find out what’s wrong, ok?.”
The nurse who was an older lady, probably in her 40s, called my gma ‘madre,’ and ‘hija,’ and all kinds of loving, endearing words. I was touched by her compassion and ability to make the situation as comfortable as possible.
When it was almost all over, the nurse jokingly said “If you don’t relax we might end up pulling each other’s hair ok? We might end up fighting and we don’t want that,” she jokingly threatened. I laughed a little.
They were almost finished and my grandmother stopped squirming in pain. The nurse said “There! That’s it! Ya pasó la tempestad.” They placed a white thin sheet over her that was meant to serve as a blanket, I guess.
The nurse looked my grandmother one more time, “¡Ay señorita Laura! I almost thought we’d have to fight for a second and that would not have ended well. That wasn’t too bad, huh?” My grandmother laughed a little.
I took a seat and my grandmother slept for another hour.
—-
“They found out she was hard of hearing huh?” the Black daughter in law joked to the CT scan team. She was referring to her White mother in law. Earlier the daughter in law explained to her mother in law that the doctor’s think she may have a lung infection and they needed to take CT scans to make sure.
The old lady said quite loudly “A what!?”
My grandmother and I were lined up in the hallway waiting for a CT scan right behind them.
“A CT scan…a CAT scan!” the daughter in law almost screamed, though kindly.
“Oh, okay.”
Then when the nurse came to talk to them the old lady asked her, “What are you doing to me today?”
“Oh, a CT scan!”
Silence.
“Oh,” she finally said.
The daughter in law said “I told you so! You didn’t believe me?” in an incredulous, funny tone.
Everyday I come to realize old people are like children. They need a lot of care, love, and attention. Also lots of grace. The older my grandmother gets the more I see a child in need of saving.
—
After going through 5 hours of waiting as they performed all kinds of exams- CT scans, MRIs, blood work, urine samples and all kinds of vital checks- they finally put us in a real room. The nurse informed me it was temporary until they could find an empty room upstairs, meant for overnight stays.
I went down to the food court. I didn’t get to eat until 5 pm but at least I could eat. I ordered sweet potato fries, bought a chocolate chip cookie for comfort, and a terrible, tasteless hamburger. The cook looked like she hated her job because she took orders in the most monotone voice possible. I wondered what her life was like. I wished I could help her but I didn’t know what to say.
Hours later they finally gave my grandmother a room. This was around 8 or 9 pm, but I had to go home and rest.
I wish to save the world sometimes, but I know I can’t. My mom has told me this. However, I know someone who can. I can only hope to leave a small enough impact to ripple through generations. To help instill faith in people for the one who can save us, Christ himself.
—
The next day I found my grandmother in the psychiatry ward; they probably placed her there due to her confusion. She was asleep in her room when I found her. I didn’t wake her and instead did work on my laptop.
She woke up on her own and watched me with a smile. I know my grandmother loves me. She watches me like this often. I know I am her hope. I try my best to be, but sometimes the weight is so heavy I can’t carry it all. I put my hope in Jesus. I wish my family would put their entire hope in him.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Yes. They come and check my vitals often and wake me up at 5 am to get blood work.”
She started recollecting what happened and remembering things from hours, days, and even weeks ago. Everything was coming to her suddenly.
I only listened and asked questions, trying to make sense of her recollection of events. But she still couldn’t remember some things.
Then the nurse came in and she explained my grandmother had a UTI infection and they were giving her antibiotics. Another nurse would later come and explain to me my grandmother’s ammonia levels were high due to her liver, causing the confusion. My grandma has cirrhosis.
The nurse was very kind and funny, as were all the nurses I encountered. One of the nurses blew kisses to my grandmother and said she loved her. I wondered if the Lord sent them all to us in his kindness. I think you have to be kind and have a sense of humor as a nurse, otherwise you might burn out.
“God bless her soul!” The nurse said after attempting to learn Spanish with my grandma. They laughed together.
—-
Later, the same nurse was listening to gospel music and singing aloud. As she walked down the hallway she sang, “Yes Lord! The battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s!” again and again, similar to the old lady in the ER. I felt God with me again.
—
One night I walked through the hallway towards the main entrance with the song ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay playing in my earphones. I felt a strong desire to cry, yet I knew I was not alone.
I walked into the chapel and read whatever scriptures were readily available in pamphlets, on the walls, or the preacher’s podium. I searched for God’s voice.
I could envision armies of angels walking with me and the Almighty Trinity. There’s no greater comfort, no greater power than that.
I contemplated on a quote that was on one of the hospital walls. I’d read it the night before but hardly had time to think much of it. I only knew it was beautiful and took a picture of it, so this time I dwelled on it.
It said, “‘The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched but are felt in the heart’-Heller Keller.” I couldn’t agree more.
Hellen Keller lost her sight and hearing at age 19. Yet she still managed to find beauty in her struggle.
As Mark 4:12 says, “They may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding.” There are many who see and many who hear, yet never capture the meaning of true beauty throughout their lives.
We must be people who find beauty in the struggle. Life can hit us with hard blows sometimes. It is through the difficulties we become stronger and discover things precious and true. Diamonds are made under pressure, and you and I were certainly made to shine.
Everyday my heart grows deeper and my love for the Lord grows stronger. The Lord, the most beautiful being in this world, I come to feel everyday. My Savior touches me everyday.
