katAnger, according to google, is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. However, often I’ve heard anger is just a consequent emotion of sadness, fear, or hurt.
According to the American Psychological Association, “Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.
Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or motivate you to find solutions to problems.
But excessive anger can cause problems. Increased blood pressure and other physical changes associated with anger make it difficult to think straight and harm your physical and mental health.”
This is why my mom always says, “It’s not good to get angry. In the end you only hurt yourself.” That’s why she actively tries not to lose her cool. I can testify with Christ she has truly changed into a more patient person with good temperament/self control.
But keeping these words in mind and being passive when someone has crossed your boundaries or failed to understand you-that’s not easy.
Though I am a Christian I know a thing or two about anger. In fact, I still experience this emotion and sometimes fail to manage it well.
The other day, I actually got into an argument with my mom. Yes, the same one who said the above! It started over something small, as arguments usually begin, and ended with a huge list of things we failed to address for months.
She said, “I don’t want to argue with you,” and that’s the right thing to say- you should walk away to diffuse the situation. But I kept sharing my feelings in a very emotional way which hurt my mom’s feelings and led her to blow up and say bitter things that hurt me. The truth is, I was in the wrong. I did not deal with my anger, as justified as it may have been, in the correct way.
You know how arguments go. By the end you’ve a bunch of things you regret and nothing’s resolved. At least that’s how they go if you don’t have a healthy system for solving arguments in your life.
But today I will share with you something my mom (after we made up lol) shared with me. It’s from a Youtube video called, “Formula de Santa Monica Para No Pelear” or in English “Formula by Saint Monica for how to avoid arguing” by Lupita Venegas, a Christian woman. You can watch this later (sorry it’s only in Spanish, but I’m sure you can google about Saint Monica from the Catholic Church) if you want a more in depth understanding.
Here are a few takeaways:
- Don’t argue back! Walk away!
Before you say, “But Kat, why can’t I share my piece if they’re saying all these offensive things to me?”
You can share your piece! Just later…when they’re not yelling and venting their heart out because they likely won’t hear much of what you have to say anyway. They are hurt and upset and care more about their own feelings at this moment. (I know this because I was in that state.) They want to be seen and understood; to be told “I am sorry, you are right and I have done wrong.” Now I’m not saying this is what you should say. They may actually be wrong! So the best thing to do is to diffuse the situation and ask them to discuss when they are able to talk in a calm manner, with the end goal being compromise and restoring your relationship. James 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
Two key quotes I loved from this video are:
- “Para haiga guerra se necesitan dos” basically it takes “two to tango” or for a more literal translation “You need two for a war to initiate”
- “La guerra no está en la ofensa recibida sino en la guerra contestada,” or “War is not in the offense received but in the offense that ‘s responded to.”
Remember this.
2. Respond with Opposite Emotions
Now if number 1 did not work, respond to this person in the opposite manner. If they are yelling, speak softly. If they are saying mean, offensive things-try saying words of love. If they are angry, be happy, make a joke, laugh.
Now I know what I’m saying sounds crazy! But the point is to fight back with love. Love truly does conquer all.
It’s the same principle Jesus has taught us. The Old Testament was a time of ‘eye for an eye’ but in the New Testament Jesus shockingly proclaimed words like, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” (Matthew 5:38-42)
Wasn’t Jesus crazy? Yep, crazy in love. 😉
In fact, my pastor did the same thing. He served in the Korean war and instead of shooting the enemy, inspired by Jesus’ words, he chose to love them. He ran to hug the enemy who was pointing the wheel barrel of a gun at him. The man surrendered to his deep act of love. Through this simple embrace he saved both the man’s life and his own.
Also it’s in Proverbs 15:1 which advises,
“A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Meaning if you respond with anger you will only receive even more anger in return, but if you choose words of love that person’s heart may turn at the realization that you indeed love them and want nothing more than for them to feel ok again. You want to fix things.
3. Show Care/Empathize
Now what do I mean by this? I mean you better have your words of affirmation PREPARED.
For example, I was upset at my mom because I felt like she was not supporting me in the way that I need to be supported right now. My mom was telling me the same thing, though I didn’t know it at the time. I only realized this upon reflection.
She told me, “I don’t need you,” but I know my mom. What she truly meant was I need you now more than ever, I’m just too afraid to be vulnerable and tell you that.
In this situation it would have been ideal if my mom said, “I love you and I will support you,” and it would have been ideal if I said something along the lines of, “I am growing but I will never leave you mom.”
It’s as simple as just saying, “I love you” in the middle of an argument. It’s incredible how one word that starts with the ‘L’ can defeat a thousand arrows flying towards you.
4. Set Boundaries
I don’t care who you are in an argument with, things should never get physical. If you are being physically aggravated-that’s not ok.
As much as Jesus said, “turn the other cheek,” this doesn’t mean tolerate abuse. What Jesus hoped to accomplish with his words was to inspire people not to return bad acts, but to treat people even better than they treat us; as we hope to be treated with patience and mercy.
There’s such a thing as mental and verbal abuse as well-that is also not ok. Do not hesitate to reach out to someone if you are experiencing this.
Mental health resources/resources if you are facing abuse:
Some simple verbal boundaries:
“I am not going to discuss this with you any further until we calm down and stop yelling.”
“I do not want to discuss this with you alone. We will discuss it with dad/in counseling etc.” (It’s always good to have a mediator.)
God and Christ, too, set boundaries. It’s in every law and word they spoke. If we cannot respect God and Jesus’ boundaries we cannot be in relationship with them. The same should be true for us. Our loved ones should respect our boundaries. A constant repetition of broken boundaries will lead to distance in the relationship and even to the end of the relationship if not fixed.
Remember, Love can have boundaries.
5. Pray about it! (For real.)
Discuss it with God! God will never interrupt you or dismiss your feelings. He will not judge you. So next time, go to your room and tell God EVERYTHING. Share your true sincere, earnest heart with him. Through prayer you may find your problems will get resolved.
This has happened to me before actually! When someone hurt me I told God about it and God worked through that person to thaw their heart. They apologized and treated me kindly after.
Prayer works!
6. Apologize
You have to apologize eventually.
Ephesians 4:26 puts it best, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
Apologizing is really hard, especially if you don’t feel you did anything wrong or that someone is more in the wrong than you. But no matter how hard it is, it’s the right thing to do.
God wants us to love one another and be harmonious. Some people may never apologize to you but if you do, their hearts may change and one day they might just realize how they’ve hurt you. (Read David and Saul’s story in the Bible for that one. Even Joseph’s story is a great example too.)
Last words from me:
I heard this in the Zombies 3 movie on Disney+ (lol): Know that Love can handle disagreements.
Yes, Love can handle disagreements. In fact disagreements are good. God’s history was built on disagreement, because without disagreement we cannot have innovative ideas which lead to progress.
Colossians 3:15 “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.”
Psalm 34:14 “Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.”
Have you experienced anger? I’d like you to share with me below if and how you solved it.
Blessings in Christ,
Kat <3
