katLife is about falling in love with God. About realizing who God is through your life experiences, even the difficult moments, and about learning to be thankful through suffering. Because just as everyday has a sunset, there is always a sunrise. Where there is an end there is always a new beginning.
My grandmother is really sick. She’s been in and out of the hospital for almost 3 weeks now. Before then too she was in the hospital like two weeks before and she’s been in and out of hospitals since the start of the year. At first she just needed Paracentesis every 6 months, then every 3, then 1 month, now it seems every week or so.
My grandmother is dying. This is factual.
She was discharged yesterday and she seemed ok during discharge, but when we got home she couldn’t walk past the front gate much less all the way to the back room she lives in. She was so debilitated after sitting in a bed for two, three weeks.
It took us an hour to get her to her room and once there her condition declined. She began feeling pain in her abdomen. Could no longer sit, much less stand, or walk to the restroom even though she wanted to.
Her landlord was kind enough to help me get my gma to her room. She let her walk through the front door and her living room until she got to the back. She even made atole for my gma. I fed my gma the atole because she could hardly hold the bowl with her shaky hands and then I cried because my grandma started saying things that didn’t make sense-that happens when her ammonia levels are high.
I couldn’t hold my tears in. I never cry in front of my grandma. I’m really good at being strong but she didn’t notice or if she did she was too out of it to comment. The landlord walked in on me crying and then I wiped my tears away and tried to control my emotions.
I knew I had to call the ambulance. When I asked my grandma if she wanted to go she said yes, but then as time passed she began to refuse it. She didn’t want to go in the ambulance either. The landlord helped me get an adult diaper on her before they took her. We had to pull her legs up in the air like you would a baby and then push her sideways which was a challenge due to my grandma’s weight. When the neighborhood firefighters came and they asked me questions, the usual. They struggled to get her on the stretcher. One of the guys who looked chicano asked if my grandma ate anything. I said, “Yeah I don’t know if you know what atole is but she had that”
“Atole? C’mon now,” the firefighter smirked and pointed at himself, “Course I do.”
Then they took her. I stayed behind, threw her trash, cleaned up a bit. Her front door neighbor stopped me before I reached my car and asked me if my grandma was ok. Then we had a 5 minute conversation where I explained the situation. I’m my grandma’s only family member, my parents are divorced, my dad is in El Salvador, my grandma’s son died in January, my grandma is really sick, I’m her granddaughter.
Today at the new hospital I saw the doctor that treated my grandma in the past in passing as I was about to enter the area where my grandma’s room is. She asked how she was doing and I explained that my grandma’s condition is worsening and she has to get the paracentesis procedures done more often. She expressed her genuine condolences and told me I should request a GI consultation with her team. I tried but the nurse made it seem like it’s not necessary or possible. I don’t know if she submitted the request.
Then a doctor came in and asked my grandma questions in broken Spanish, but hey at least he tried.
My grandma knew my name but she told the doctor I was her niece. She didn’t know what year we were in. After a few hours I went home to have a late lunch and get some work done.
In the evening she called me and when I answered she just moaned in pain. No matter what I said to her she wasn’t responsive, just kept moaning. I called the hospital and her nurse explained they had just completed the Paracentesis and removed 5.5 liters.
I think my grandma is still really confused. She still needs lactulose to lessen her ammonia levels.
I wonder if my grandma will ever be the same again. If she’ll be able to go home and walk again.
Her quality of life is really poor now. There is a part of me that wishes she wouldn’t experience this high amount of pain anymore. I just wish she could get better but her illness is terminal. There’s no getting better. Only regress.
My dad has been communicating a bit more with me lately. He seems surprisingly understanding and considerate- more than ever before. I feel really bad for my dad because he already lost his brother and watched him die of cirrhosis in January. Losing his brother and mom within the same year wouldn’t be easy.
But in the midst of all of this suffering and sadness I have experienced many positive and beautiful things. I have felt Jesus closer to me than ever.
I have met kind nurses. God has taken care of me in ways you can’t imagine. Like on Monday he canceled my work meetings so I was able to go to the doctor for this painful stye I’ve got going on. Then my grandma was discharged even if only for a few hours. When I was at the store buying my grandma diapers I really needed a cart. I didn’t grab one while walking into Walmart because I didn’t realize I’d be buying so much. Then I simply thought in my head, “Please God help me to find a cart. Maybe I’ll find one around.” I thought I might have to walk far but just around the corner I happened to find one nearby, a really good working cart too. I was so thankful. It is God’s love. It’s the little things that I appreciate which are actually not little but huge miracles.
My grandma’s landlord offered me a plate of food for dinner and it was really good. I hadn’t had a meal after breakfast.
Throughout the day as I’m interacting with people I always find kind, compassionate, funny people who bring a smile to my face or make me chuckle a little.
Today I saw these beautiful flowers outside the hospital. I think God planted them for me to see. God and I are as breathtaking as these flowers (God is definitely more breathtaking than these flowers tbh).
Then when I got home I saw this single beautiful star. I believe it was a star prepared for me to see. God’s way of telling me I am a star and he will always be my light.
I am thankful.
Life is by no means easy but God always helps. Nothing’s a coincidence or simply human intervention, everything has God’s divine hand and love in it. For God is love and everyone who loves is from God.
Sometimes I wonder why I must go through such extreme sadness and difficulty. But it’s never God’s fault. It really isn’t.
I think it’s true that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Though it surely does hurt. I guess it’s what you call “the growing pains of your spirit,” in the journey of realizing the true eternal God.
There is a good purpose in me and my grandma’s pain though I can’t always see the outcome or big picture now.
There is beauty in pain. Out of great pain comes great vulnerability, empathy, patience, love, sympathy, humor and gratitude. This world is full of silver linings.
I hope anyone reading this never forgets God is always with you and he is always good no matter how hard life gets.
Let’s keep taking it one day at a time.
To another day of blessings and miracles,
Kat
